Should
Most people would be horrified by the amount of tabs that I have open at any given time. At the time of writing, I have... holy shit. I have 951 tabs open.
| Device | Number of Browsers | Number of Tabs |
|---|---|---|
| Laptop | 2 | 415 |
| Desktop | 2 | 358 |
| Phone | 3 | 178 |
And I can't even get into my work laptop right now, but I know that there are safely another 300+ tabs open across 2 separate browsers. I have cleared 1000 tabs.
I think I need to step away for a moment. Enjoy this photo I took of a bench bunny, and I'll be right back.
Great, thank you for waiting. What was this blog post supposed to be about again?
Right; should.
As I was trying to say, there is a lot going on in my brain at any given time (especially when I'm supposed to be doing something else). YouTube videos to watch; social media to doom scroll; shows and movies to enjoy; video games to be played. When I happen to have some free time, there's no shortage of options.
But a voice quickly chimes in, reminding me that all of these activities are different forms of consumption.
Will I really remember that gaming YouTube video in a year from now? I know that Reddit won't be a net positive for me. Shows and movies feel like such a commitment; and for what? I should be doing something good for myself.
"You know what?" I say to the voice, "You're right. You are what you eat, so I should be mindful of what I consume, both edible and otherwise." So I decide instead to do something that doesn't involve a screen. There are books to read; disc golf to play; weights to life; outdoors to be enjoyed; friends to be hung out with. I can - no, I should feed my mind, body, and soul with these activities.
But there's that voice again, convincing me that even those activities aren't enough.
Those books are nice, but wouldn't it be better to write my own book? Disc golf and working out are obviously good for my body, but wouldn't it feel better to make something? Getting outside and seeing friends is doubtlessly essential for a healthy mind, but wouldn't it be cooler make or provide something for my friends? Don't you have an obligation to share your skills and creativity?
"You know what?" I say again to the voice, "You're right. None of those activities leave me with a finished product. I should make something. I should create something." So, yet again, I decide to change gears. There are things I could self-host and share with friends; there are projects I could contribute to or create that would not only be useful to myself and others, but would look great on a resume; I have knowledge that I could share with friends and family to educate them on the ever-changing digital landscape; I have a D&D campaign to continue to prep for and run; there are protests to attend and injustices to be solved. I should be doing these things. I should be doing more.
And here comes the voice once more, whispering promises of payoff in my ear.
Just think of it. My friends would be so thankful if I hosted programs to replace subscription services they pay for. That programming project could land me a high-paying job, or get me a following and connections. A resource on digital privacy and security for my friends and family could blow up and become actually influential. That D&D campaign I made has a pretty great world - maybe I could turn it into a book and sell enough copies to become an author.
And at first, those things do sound pretty great. Who doesn't want to feel appreciated and understood? Or get a cushier, higher-paying job? Or turn a hobby project into a career? I should be working towards these things - of course I should!
But by this point in the cycle, I am paralyzed with exhaustion and stress. Every possible decision is a wrong decision. Working on my D&D campaign means that I can't be contributing to an open source project. Watching YouTube means that I can't be outside enjoying nature. There is truly no right answer to what I should do.
Importantly, never at any point did this voice pause to ask me what I wanted to do - instead, it's only concern was what I felt that I should do. It escalated my free time further and further away from relaxation, under the false pretense that I have some kind of higher obligation to fulfill. And we as humans cannot operate solely on should.
So if there is no such pretense, and we cannot operate solely on should, then why is this happening? "And why", you may be asking yourself, "is this so relatable?"
I started answering these questions, but quickly realized that it was worthy of its own separate blog post. Another time.
To summarize and finish off this post though, it is important to remember to always stick up for yourself. This seems obvious when talking about interpersonal issues, but it is just as important with your own internal dialogue. That voice clearly won't ask you what you want to do, so it is up to you to instead tell it what you want to do.
Especially in these circumstances though, moderation and intention are key. We are not meant to be machines, creating and doing things to make more money or gain notoriety. Just like anything else, consumption is okay in moderation. So go watch that YouTube video, or binge that TV show. It just feels icky because it has been weaponized against us by this late-stage capitalist world that we live in.
Be gentle with yourself. Be patient with yourself. It is so incredibly human to enjoy something just for the sake of the thing itself. So should be damned. What do you want to do?